The Reason Why The Train System Is Dying

The rail network in this country is doomed. I have just received a letter from Network Rail…

Is this the World’s Messiest Office Desk? AKA Spot the Phone

The title says it all really. Is this the world’s messiest office desk? My desk at home is bundled with stuff but a) at least it’s in some sort of order and b) it’s not my work desk right next to my boss! Another little game we can play here is find the phone. I swear to God there is a phone on this desk and this desk does belong to a salesman who is supposed to be on the phone all the time!

All Smash, No Grab

Bastards. They did it again. It seems overnight someone has broken in to our car again, but this time taken nothing. Six weeks ago someone broke in and took everything of minor value, including £2 in silver change. This time the thief seems to have only been interested in the Sat Nav that they mistakenly believed would be in the car. I (stupidly) left the holder mounted on the dashboard which tipped them off. That said the Evening News have just run a story this week saying that there is a mini crime-wave in Edinburgh as regards stealing Sat Navs and they even look for suction marks on the windscreen. They came prepared and forced open the locked glove box (as you are not insured unless there are signs of forced entry including the glovebox) and left everything in it untouched. From now on I’m only going to keep gloves in there.

Tick tick tick tick … Kup-dom! A Different Type of Housing Boom!

Everyone in Edinburgh and indeed most of the UK acknowledges that there is a boom in the number of people coming over from Poland to live and work here. I have no problem with the influx of Polish people to Edinburgh and the UK in general, however the language of this country is English. There are now adverts appearing on buses in Polish (about buying houses). If you can’t read that sign in English then you are not at the level to be working in this country. (Just to point out though, every Polish person I have met so far has exceptional English.) Maybe the sign has a secret code that is only meant to be read by Polish people. Now hold on, that sounds like something a crazy right wing nazi totalitarianism like David Blunkett or John Reid would say before locking up all foreigners. Have you noticed that of the last year Home Secretarys, Charles Clarke is the distinct odd man out. Blunkett is See No Evil, Clarke was supposed to be Hear No Evil and Reid is Speak No Evil (as no one can understand him). Instead of fitting in Charles Clarke had to end up being Hear All Evil, even stuff that wasn’t there or plans being plotted by mice, his supersonic ears didn’t care.

Woolies – *THE* Place For Sale Bargains

Over the years Woolworths has had some great household items on sale. I don’t care about the kids clothes, I get annoyed about Bratz and I worry about the intelligence of their staff. But without them I wouldn’t have some of my favourite items. Most of the year they have 50% off sales on the kind of gadgets I like to buy. I doubt somehow that I will be wowed by the discount they have on these digital bathroom scales. The time and money gone into creating and printing a barker card (those big flappy thing that stick out from the shelf edge) and paying someone to place it on the shopfloor has to be more than the sale discount, surely!

Woolies Staff Can’t Read

Jasper Carrott used to do a great joke about the staff in Woolies. He says they never changed, were always bored, monotonous dis-interested staff. “Excuse me I’ve just put some anthrax in the pick and mix!”. “Ohhhhh”, the staff member replies despondently, “It’s not my department”. To this extent you fail to wonder why when living bowls arrive in store they leave them to die. These boxes contain round bowls with plants inside, called the Bottle Garden, that desperately need light. The box has four windows with perforated sides that say “Store Staff: Remove this panel on receipt so plants can get light. Also enables customers to see bottle garden”. I know this because three of the four sides are still on all the boxes.

It’s Christmas!!!! in Retail Land

Yes, Hallowe’en has only just passed and we are yet to celebrate Guy Fawkes’s escapades on Bonfire Night. Yet all around everywhere is plastered with Christmas decorations. That said, Livingston’s McArthurGlen actually looks quite nice (as it did last year too). This year they have white reindeer as their centrepiece, last year it was polar bears. Of course if all this excessive early festivities are starting to annoy you you could buy yourself an early advent calendar to cheer yourself up!